last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dick very happy bro
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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