I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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