I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
