ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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