I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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