There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
