I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
