Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
