i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
