So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
