He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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