Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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