ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
