dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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