fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We named our party play list daddy issues
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
