I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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