Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
They took my balls.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
