The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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