just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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