I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
