Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
