Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
