then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
