Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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