my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
