thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I forget how to act sober
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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