i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
