thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
