sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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