I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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