Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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