The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
