My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
