Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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