I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
