I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
