Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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