I think I won the penis lottery.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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