you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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