Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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