My room smells like vodka and shame
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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