The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
