this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
