Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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