Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
