i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
