apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
