If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
