I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
