we have officially lost it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
